If you had told me last year that in April of 2013 I'd be blogging about marriage, I would have laughed and then burst into tears thinking about the man I wanted to marry. But now, a full 12 months later, I'm a little more stable, and I'm finally ready to talk about it.
I went to a private Liberal Arts Christian college. There was this phenomena/stigma of "finding your future husband" and "Ring By Spring." It didn't help that my sister met her now-husband/father of her 3 children their first night at this same school. The pressure I put on myself that first week of college was insane. I had probably never made eye contact with that many guys in my 17 years than I did the first week at Christian College. I was determined. My sister did it, and I was going to do it too!
I wasn't successful in that venture, but I'm now in a relationship with a wonderful man and we are very happy. Have we talked about marriage? That's a good question. Right now, I'm not thinking so much about when to get married as much as I'm thinking about what the best age is to get married.
There was an article floating around social media this week entitled
Marry Young with the subtitle of "I got married at 23. What are the rest of you waiting for?" Nice, right? Right off the bat, this author, Julia Shaw, accuses us unmarrieds for taking too long to tie the knot. She outlines her argument for young marriage with
statistics, and her own personal story. She says she and her husband "hadn't arrived" before they got married. I assume she means to adulthood, because she goes on to say "Marriage wasn't something we did after we'd grown up--it was how we have grown up and grown together." She says that her husband has been a persuader, and a true support. All of this is fine, and are the things that make a strong marriage. However, I take issue with what she says later:
What I did not realize was how thoroughly marriage would jump-start our independence. On paper, our unmarried peers looked more carefree. But many of them also relied on their parents to supplement their income, drove home for long weekends and holidays, or stayed on their parents’ health insurance and cellphone plans (even though they had decent jobs!). I put David on my health insurance. We bought our own family cellphone plan and Netflix account. When we visited our parents once a year, we paid for the plane tickets and still did our own laundry. We loved our parents and siblings, but marriage made us realize that we were now a separate family unit.
Her inference that people who still relied on their parents for support were not "independent" is unfair. A friend and fellow artist commented on this and said:
everyone's life path is different and just because someone's parents pays for their cellphone doesn't make them a less legitimate "adult" or something.
I'm having a moment with this statement. A very good moment. Some people have parents who have the resources, of any kind, to support their newly married children. My parents have shown my sister and her family extreme favor, offering to help in anyway that they can, because they are able. They have done an excellent job at preparing all of us for the real world. They've taught us about taxes, retirement, estate planning, everything that I'm sure Julia would consider to be mature adult responsibilities. I understand the importance of being a "separate family unit" after you get married. But I think there's something to be said for allowing your parents to still be your parents even after you've flown the coop.
After sitting with this article for two days, my blood pressure has lowered, and I have this to say:
What worked for Julia, doesn't work for everyone. It's good that this is her life experience. But it won't be mine.
The next day, there was a response article
The Case Against Marrying Young written by a young author, Amanda Marcotte. She and I agree with the point that Julia's experience is not for everyone, but Amanda says that young people don't want to get married quickly because they're afraid of divorce. She says this, which is an extremely valid point:
"Most people grasp the relationship between young marriage and divorce intuitively, but statistics shore up the case. As the average age of first marriage goes up, the divorce rate goes down. State-by-state statistics show similar correlations between lower average age of marriage and higher divorce rates."
Like I said, valid. Divorces can be ugly, custody battles have torn family units to shreds...but
I'm not avoiding marrying young because I'm terrified of getting a divorce.
I'm frustrated, friends. And not just because of this issue. I'm frustrated because so many people out there are OK with generalizing when it comes to important topics.
Everyone is different. I respect it. I love it. So to write on behalf of everyone especially on the category of marriage, is weird and annoying.
There are people in the world who have their own opinions about marriage. Surprising, isn't it? I wish so desperately to sit and have coffee with Julia and Amanda and lay out to them the reasons why generalizations about marriage don't work. I know there are surveys and research polls, but those are just idealistic words on a paper. I try not to judge someone's heart, but when answering those questions, do people really truly believe the answers that they are giving? Or do they just look good in writing?
Yes, I want to get married. I'm excited to spend my life with someone who loves me for me, and grow in our relationship together. No, Amanda, I'm not scared of divorce. What am I waiting for, Julia? I'm waiting because I'm not ready yet. I won't be ready for awhile. And that's ok, because it works for me.
So don't feel pressured to tie the knot just yet. Or, go ahead and tie the knot. Do whatever works for you. But for those of us who aren't ready yet, Just remember and/or focus on the hilarious words of Barney Stinson:
Shine Bright!
-s.
