Here We Are. Again.

The last 48 hours have been insane. I thought all day about emotional labor, and how people expect it; how it's hard and awful, and how I tend to give it freely. Because of those thoughts, it seems counterintuitive to write this post, but, clearly, it's necessary. Racism is heavy you guys. I don't talk about it to be divisive. I don't talk about it to be lauded as an expert. I don't talk about it to hear myself talk. I talk about it because if I don't, I become emotionally and physically ill. So here we are. Again.

Dear White Friends: You might read my posts, and assume that you know my tone, intention, or my heart. But you don't, and you won't until you ask me. And when/if you decide to ask me, come to me privately. Not because I have something to hide, but because that shows me you are ready to close your mouth and open your ears to hear my experiences and my stories. If your attitude is to come to me prepared to argue, that shows me that you aren't truly ready to listen. And I want you to know that that's okay. There's a learning curve. I've been on that journey my whole life. I'm still breaking down stereotypes and internalized assumptions I have about people of color or other marginalized groups. It's not easy. You will be uncomfortable. But at some point, this pathway is going to catch up to you, and someone who is less forgiving than me is going to confront you. And it's not going to be pretty. (See my last point below.)

Emotional labor is real. It's hard, and it's intense, and honestly, POC have been doing so much Work for people who have the internet at their fingertips. If you have a broad question, Google it. There are hundreds of articles on racial reconciliation. Those are good places to start. Those folks are worth your time, but also worth your money. We talk about the socio-economic divide between caucasians and POC. When I say "support a business that's owned by a person of color!" that isn't furthering the divide...it is literally a small way to close the economic gap that is so present in our communities. To suggest that it's divisive is ignorant at best. If you're worried about furthering the divide, do your part to close it, and support businesses owned by POC. It's pretty simple.

Really think about what you want to say or ask before you say or ask it. I know that's rich coming from me, possibly the most impulsive person you know...but it's so worth it. A good way to check this is to say: would I say this to or ask this of my black coworker/friend/cashier at the supermarket? If the answer is "no, I wouldn't," Google it. There's an answer out there on the internet, I promise.

Prepare to get educated. If you do say or ask something on a post from a POC, just know that we have an army of friends who will educate you. It's not going to be pretty. They'll probably be petty, and frustrated...and that's because this is the emotional labor that we do all. the. time. And for that same reason: Prepare to not have your questions answered right away.

If you've found any of this helpful, let me know. If you want to discuss any of this further, buy me coffee, or have me over for food, and we will chat. Most importantly, prepare to get uncomfortable, because that's where the real work starts.

A Quick Update

Happy Monday, everyone! 

I'm wiped OUT from this weekend's XStream youth winter retreat. We had a great time at Pocono Plateau with two other local churches. The snow was gorgeous, the food was good, and a lot of great connections were made. Unfortunately around 5 AM Sunday, a nasty stomach bug befell one of the guy students. His fearless leader, who had been taking care of him, sent out a group text around 5 PM saying he had contracted it as well. Please say a prayer for David and Colin, and the rest of our team and students as a lot of us are sliding into midterms and can't really afford to get sick! 

While I'd love to take this time to talk about how amazing the weekend was, this post isn't about XStream. It is however, about my relationship with Lando.

In December, Lando and I decided that it was best that we postpone the wedding. I don't really remember a clear reason why, other than the obvious fact that something was "off." Several weeks and insane arguments later, I knew that something had to change. After seeking wise counsel, and a few awkward encounters, I decided it was time to end our relationship. It truly wasn't a mutual decision, even though we have both painted it that way out of respect for what happened. We have decided to focus on other separate life opportunities (note: There are several things I want to do that would have kept us apart for our first year of marriage, and no one wants to do that...), and focus on strengthening our relationships with God. We are trying this whole "let's be friends" thing, and we  most definitely appreciate the support from our family and friends. 

Yes, it's hard, and it sucks, and it has probably shocked the pants off of you, but honestly, God has already blessed this decision. He's gone before us and we have willingly followed his path. It doesn't completely make sense yet, but it will. 

We are both willing to talk about this, so please don't shy away because you're afraid of saying something "wrong." We are still Star and Lando, even though we aren't StarAndLando anymore. It'll be good. It's already good. We are resting in the truth that we have an entire lifetime ahead of us, even if it's not a lifetime we share as husband and wife. 

We love you all, and look forward to having you continue this journey with us in this new way. 

Peace and Blessings

-S. 

I'm a noisy gong.

If you know me, or know someone who can describe me well, you know that I'm an Extrovert. My letters are ESFP: Extroverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving. I'm The Performer. I like to be the center of attention. I don't intuit well, and the "what will happen if" part of my brain isn't always firing on all 4 cylinders.

I hate conflict, and I hate it even more if it's happening online. I really try to avoid it as much as possible. As I've mentioned before, a few months ago I was belittled on Facebook for my opinion of an article. (Ironically, what I was attacked for had NOTHING to do with the content of the article. The article was about Megan Fox...) The conflict grew to the point where I had to block the person and their family members from being able to see my comments/posts/etc.. It was "whatever" and I was over it quickly. But ever since then, I've been more aware of expressing my opinions and views in a public forum. 

This creates an inner conflict. 

By nature, I'm impulsive. My spiritual gift is encouragement. (Do I lose points for telling people that? Whatever). I like to talk, and like it when people listen. I've been reading more blogs and articles over the last year, and I want to talk about the newly formed opinions I have. And often times, I see posts on Facebook that relate to topics that I've learned through the writings I've read. So, it makes sense to talk about about it, right? 

Nah. Not always, no. 

Expressing my opinions, essentially daring conflict to come at me, and speaking up isn't always helpful or encouraging. Even when I'm not laughing in the face of a pending argument, saying something that is a general  truth, might be met with conflict. And I don't know how to handle that. Especially when I thought the person on the other end had similar beliefs than me. It's easy to debate someone you know disagrees with you, but when you're blindsided by someone's opposing thoughts, it can really tilt your axis. 

It's also easy to blame the other person's circumstances for the way that they reacted. And while that might be a good place to look, an even better place to look is yourself. Why did I make that comment? What was my intention? Was I being genuine, or just commenting for the sake of it? 

Friends, we can talk, drop wisdom, and quote Scripture and Jesus' teachings until we're blue in the face. But if we don't do it with pure hearts, the words are like lead balloons dropping to the bottom of the ocean. Unheard and unaccepted by the ones we are trying to talk with. 

My parting words of wisdom to myself, and everyone else, no matter what you believe or stand for, would be these: 

 "If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn't love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal." -1 Corinthians 13:13

Let's not be noisy gongs. 

Let's speak the truth in love instead.