Here We Are. Again.

The last 48 hours have been insane. I thought all day about emotional labor, and how people expect it; how it's hard and awful, and how I tend to give it freely. Because of those thoughts, it seems counterintuitive to write this post, but, clearly, it's necessary. Racism is heavy you guys. I don't talk about it to be divisive. I don't talk about it to be lauded as an expert. I don't talk about it to hear myself talk. I talk about it because if I don't, I become emotionally and physically ill. So here we are. Again.

Dear White Friends: You might read my posts, and assume that you know my tone, intention, or my heart. But you don't, and you won't until you ask me. And when/if you decide to ask me, come to me privately. Not because I have something to hide, but because that shows me you are ready to close your mouth and open your ears to hear my experiences and my stories. If your attitude is to come to me prepared to argue, that shows me that you aren't truly ready to listen. And I want you to know that that's okay. There's a learning curve. I've been on that journey my whole life. I'm still breaking down stereotypes and internalized assumptions I have about people of color or other marginalized groups. It's not easy. You will be uncomfortable. But at some point, this pathway is going to catch up to you, and someone who is less forgiving than me is going to confront you. And it's not going to be pretty. (See my last point below.)

Emotional labor is real. It's hard, and it's intense, and honestly, POC have been doing so much Work for people who have the internet at their fingertips. If you have a broad question, Google it. There are hundreds of articles on racial reconciliation. Those are good places to start. Those folks are worth your time, but also worth your money. We talk about the socio-economic divide between caucasians and POC. When I say "support a business that's owned by a person of color!" that isn't furthering the divide...it is literally a small way to close the economic gap that is so present in our communities. To suggest that it's divisive is ignorant at best. If you're worried about furthering the divide, do your part to close it, and support businesses owned by POC. It's pretty simple.

Really think about what you want to say or ask before you say or ask it. I know that's rich coming from me, possibly the most impulsive person you know...but it's so worth it. A good way to check this is to say: would I say this to or ask this of my black coworker/friend/cashier at the supermarket? If the answer is "no, I wouldn't," Google it. There's an answer out there on the internet, I promise.

Prepare to get educated. If you do say or ask something on a post from a POC, just know that we have an army of friends who will educate you. It's not going to be pretty. They'll probably be petty, and frustrated...and that's because this is the emotional labor that we do all. the. time. And for that same reason: Prepare to not have your questions answered right away.

If you've found any of this helpful, let me know. If you want to discuss any of this further, buy me coffee, or have me over for food, and we will chat. Most importantly, prepare to get uncomfortable, because that's where the real work starts.

Welcome Back! [Welcome to My Life in Lancaster!]

Welcome back everyone! I've reinstated my blog now that I have found a full time job. Today I'm writing about transitions, and My Life in Lancaster. (That sounds like a great book title...) This one is a little long, but I have months of life to catch you up on, with a good resolution at the end. Join me, and stick with me during this new chapter! Love you all!

-S.

Transitions are hard.

Whether you’re starting the next level of your schooling, a new career, or a new chapter of your life, it’s hard to deny--change is tough.

I have always had an immense amount of pride in my ability to handle change. My top StrengthsFinder is Adaptability...I go with the flow, and whisper that first part of the Serenity Prayer. You know, “God grant  me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…” If I were brave enough, I’d tattoo it on the back of my hand as a constant reminder.

But recently I’ve come to realize that “change” and “a time of transition” aren’t always the same thing. We often use them interchangeably, and this of course varies for everyone…my definition of “change” is something that happens unexpectedly and throws off my routine or balance. And my definition of “a time of transition” is something that has been anticipated.

This new chapter that I’ve started is undeniably a life change, but it’s more of a transition. I have been anticipating moving to Lancaster for 5 years. It was the summer of 2010 when I made my first long-term visit. I stayed for a week with Liesl and we had our inaugural year of kids theatre camp. I met so many people who have influenced the woman I am now and I will never forget that. Each year since then, I’ve made the trek back and forth for various reasons, and about 6 months before I got engaged I knew that I had to spend my engagement in the city of Lancaster.

That didn’t happen. Instead I had to deal with change. He moved, I stayed. I was plagued by crippling panic attacks for weeks after he left. I shoved the idea of moving to Lancaster out of my head and tried to tread water for as long as I could. 6 months later, our engagement ended, and a friend who knows absolutely everything about me looked at me and said, “you should move in with me. It could just be the change that you need.”

I said a bold "yes." Forgetting that my bank account had barely enough money for a shopping spree let alone rent and a security deposit.

In June, we found a place.

In August, I moved in.

And here we are, September 15, 2015. I've been here exactly one month, and I have not stopped to breathe. And I don't regret it at all! I'm doing audience services for PRiMA Theatre, which was the best leap of faith I could have taken. I've transitioned from working part time in a theatre (Shout out to my State Theatre family! I miss you guys!) to working full time in a boutique as a stylist (getting paid to suggest clothes to people? Absofreakinglutely up my alley.) And this time next week, I will have started training at my new full-time job at the American Music Theatre as a box office associate! A job in my field that I LOVE and that I'm darn good at too!

I have had one day "off" since August 15th, and honestly, as someone who has [regrettably] taken pride in being a bit of a slacker, I'm enjoying stretching myself thin. (Although I'm exhausted beyond words.)

But sometimes being busy is an excuse to not focus on the hard parts of transitioning.

In the last two months, I've had my heart broken, I've had to wrestle with issues of race in the outside world and where/if I fit into those hard conversations, I've been misjudged, argued with, and have argued with myself about my own intentions, convictions and integrity. All of these things are hard to deal with. And then add moving on top of them! I was a mess! I still am. And that's okay.

Admitting that you're a mess (yes, YOU), is the first step to recognizing where you are in life. My roommate has this little window decoration that says "Your beautifully messy complicated story matters. (tell it.)" and I'm pretty sure that's become our motto over the last few years. It's ok to feel lost. It's ok to not know what's coming up even if you have it seemingly altogether. Even though I might seem "set" career wise for now, I'm anticipating more changes and transitions coming up. Because that's the way life works. 

You can't avoid change, you can only react to it the healthiest way you can. Maybe for you that means having someone "on call" who you can vent to--a friend, mentor, or therapist. Maybe that means a visit home to see your mom and have her make you a good home-cooked meal. Maybe that means going on a dating hiatus and figuring out yourself. Maybe (UGH) it means deactivating Facebook and digging into the Bible or a good book study. Maybe it means getting a dog or a cat!

Figuring out what you need to do to keep yourself intact is the only way to survive transitions. Everyone copes differently, but I'm confident that you cannot and should not do it alone. I have my Council of women who I can go to whenever life gets scary. And as weird as it might seem, I'm finally seeing that my mom is one of them. Your mom is less intimidating once you get into your 20s. Trust me.

Having people who know you and that you trust is essential, and super helpful. I'm thankful for all those people in my life; without them I would have drowned in an ocean of uncertainty. Everyone's story is different, and that's what keeps the world so beautiful. We connect over the mess, over someone saying "you too?? I thought it was just me!" Be vulnerable. Surround yourself with like-minded people. 

So, all that to say: change is hard. But it's inevitable. Deal with it the best way you know how.

If nothing else I've written sticks, remember this:

Your story, changes and transitions are important. They're messy, but that's ok. So are everyone else's. They matter, but more importantly, you matter.

Hold on, everyone. We are all in for one heck of a ride!

-S.

14 Things Only Box Office Employees Understand (And things we wish we could nicely tell our patrons)

I love my job, I really do. The people I work with are great, I feel so privileged to come to a theatre everyday and have it be my job. But some days I seriously wonder if people know what my job is really like. It's not *just* selling tickets to events. It's so much more.

1. Just because you, our beloved patron, didn't see a ticket price listed (which is more than likely your error), does not mean the ticket is free. 

2.  Oh look, my ticketing system is freezing as I have 6 people standing in line.

3. I'm sorry it's really really reeeally not my fault that you got mixed information and are asking me too many questions that I can answer in just a few sentences. 

4. The phrase "We rent to anyone who needs a place to screen their film" means just that. 

No we do not have a political agenda for showing two sides to the same story.

No we do not have a political agenda for showing a film about fracking. 

No it's not our fault that your event isn't selling well. I'm seriously JUST the box office girl. 

(What I'm saying here is...please don't shoot the messenger. )

5. No we cannot make special deals with you if they aren't already in the system.

6. It is not our fault that tickets aren't available if you wait until the week before the show.

7.  And no, I can't "open any seats up" for you. You snooze, you lose.

8. Creeping into the caterer's kitchen to heat up your lunch. While there's a meeting going on. 

9. Being genuinely sweet to verklempt older patrons. (The phrase "Kill them with kindness" comes to mind. And then praying they don't actually fall over dead.) 

10. When the person on the phone is looking at the seating chart and tells you what they're seeing. And it's the exact same chart you're also looking at. 

11. Patron, (After seeing you as the only person at the counter): "I'm looking for someone who's in charge..." 

12. When you actually don't have the answer to their question and you have to find someone in charge. 

13. When people come in, talk, and don't actually order tickets. 

14. Remembering that things could be worse. Your day job is in your field, and thank goodness you're not folding tee shirts at a department store. 

(All images from imgur. Except for Anne Perkins and Leslie Knope. That one is from giphy.) 

Nomadic Life

Happy Tuesday, and wow, Happy July! It's crazy that it's July already! I'm super excited about July for a number of reasons:
1. Lots of Penn State friends are coming back to town (State College) for Fourth Fest and Arts Fest! I'm mentally preparing myself for lots of food and merriment and shenanigans!
2. New York City trip! My boyfriend is taking me to the City this coming Saturday, and there's a lot of secretive things happening. He keeps saying "don't ask questions." So I can't wait to see what he has up his sleeves.
3. Anniversary Month. It's been almost a year since I had my first conversation with my boyfriend; and countless other people I now consider close friends. (The official "first conversation" date is the 8th!!)  So. Let's just say.....I'm anticipatory.
4. Vacation Bible School! I haven't been to VBS in YEARS and this year I co-wrote opening skits with a friend that we get to perform at the beginning of VBS every night. Stoked.

Anyway, other than those four things, July is going to be a typical moth...spending time with my family, and doing what I do best: Be a Nomad. Here are some things I've learned about being a nomad over the last [almost] year--

Nomadic life is easy. Sometimes when I return home, I don't even unpack my suitcases. Of course my laundry gets done, but otherwise, things are left for the next trip. It just makes life a lot easier, you know? Why unpack something you're going to repack in 5-8 days? No time for that mess. Just leave it all in the bags!

Nomadic life is stressful. No matter how cool it is to be house-hopping, I still live with my parents, and they are still working full time. That means, sometimes I'm ready to leave home way before they are, and sometimes, they're ready to leave without me. It's fun, and we always have good times in the car. And I think I've finally gotten to the point where I'm so excited to get going every Friday that I don't put off packing until the last minute. (Is that called maturity? ew.)

Nomadic life ruins plans. My boyfriend and I decided to do Surprise Date Night. Because usually, we just make plans spontaneously and occasionally default on them for various reasons. One Friday, there was a lot of work to be done before my family and I left the house, but my boyfriend had already planned our Surprise Date Night for that evening. Whoops. We had to reschedule because sometimes you have to help out with the chores. (He took me mini golfing in the freezing cold to re-create our first date! Fastest round of mini golf ever.)

Nomadic life makes the long-distance relationship easier to manage. I am so thankful to my grandparents for their purchase of this house in small town PA that's only 15 minutes away from my boyfriend. No more words needed.

Nomadic life is easy to schedule. I'm bad with planners. I got a Downton Abbey Engagement Calendar  for Christmas, and I love it! It's been so helpful, and the pictures are great! I've consulted it a lot, and it helps me when I have to tell people when I'm available, or not. I have a handful of friends, all of whom I've met in the last year. (Pre-Nomadic Life.) Unfortunately, have I spent a lot of time with them? Kinda sorta. And it's fun when we do get together. But a group of us have been trying to get together for MONTHS and I'm the hold up. They are sweet enough to wait for me to come home, but not everyone is, and that leads to:

Nomadic life has left me partially friend-less. It's not intentional. I don't say "oh so and so wants to hang out, I gotta skip town." No. It's literally a planning thing. I've been scheduled to be away/busy/out of town for a reason. Not just to avoid you. I'm sorry you feel abandoned. But this is my life now. I'm destined to be a Nomad. And I like it.

Nomadic life confuses me. You know that saying "Home is where the heart is." ? You know the variations, I'm sure: "Home is wherever I'm with you." "Home is where my bunch of crazies are." A good friend said it really well. "Where I was born and where I'm living isn't home.It's like home is everywhere and nowhere. And that's beautiful and scary all at the same time."

They say "the heart" is wherever you long to be. But as a Nomad, I long to be everywhere. So, really my heart is everywhere. It's in this sleepy little town 4.6 miles east of The Pennsylvania State University. It's in State College. It's at home, with my parents, where I grew up with my cats and my dog, and the gorgeous farmland and smell of cow manure. It's in Lancaster County, where my life has been changed countless times. It's on any stage I've ever stepped foot on, and every stage I have yet to grace.

Would I trade these mixed feelings for a life of mental peace? Nope.
Would I trade Nomadic life for a sense of consistency? No. Spontaneity is what makes my life beautiful.  Being everywhere and nowhere all at once is how I'm choosing to live.

Won't you join me? I'll pick you up so we can journey together.