Monday, October 19, 2015


This morning I had coffee and colorful conversation with my dear friend Lizz. She's a writer, and has recently become a Kindred Spirit to me. As we were discussing our lives and our various quirks she presented me with a fairly normal question. "Star...if your life could be anything right now, what would it be, ideally?" I paused, opened my mouth, and then paused again, Lizz anxiously awaiting my answer. My head was immediately flooded with all of the things I've wanted to do. Oh, easy. I'd move to New York. Oh, I'd have a boyfriend. No...wait...I'd...uh... "Oh my gosh, I have NO idea!" was my super deep response. Lizz laughed and said "EXACTLY. Because no one knows what our lives would be like if we could ideally do anything."

Her statement sparked my brain, but I found it incredibly frustrating all at the same time.
I was instantly plagued by the thought that I'm not doing "enough" with my twenties. What am I doing?

Is working a full-time job in my field, chugging 3 cups of coffee a day, and not acting part-time really what I would ideally like to be doing?

No, it's not. But it's where I am right now, and there's so much to be grateful for.

The more I think about it, the less I stray from the idea of having an "ideal" life; I inadvertently begin to seek what my life would be if it were "perfect." I'd be acting (for money! what a concept...), I'd have a Godly, sexy boyfriend who supports my love for theatre and whom I support wholeheartedly (he's owns a start-up and serves in our church, by the way), I'd have a steady income from my day job, and we would have a kitten named Sasquatch.

But God didn't design our lives to be "perfect." If we were meant to lead perfect, spotless lives, then God's grace and Jesus dying on the cross for our messy, messed-up, silly sins is pointless. I'm inclined to think that we aren't even to strive for "ideal" lives either. Ideally, I wouldn't struggle with perfectionism to the point of being sick to my stomach...ideally, I wouldn't sass my mother after we both have had long, taxing days. Ideally...ideally.

Friends, we're all sinners. We mess up. But there is enough grace for us to receive over and over again.
I think having endless grace is the closest we will ever get to having anything "ideal" in life.
And for right now, I'm ok with that.