What is Love?

Today my parents are celebrating their 49th wedding anniversary. It seems insane for me to have parents who are entering their 50th year of marriage. I wasn't always a cynic, but now in my late 20s, I'm constantly wondering if marriage is Worth It. Whatever "It" is. If we look throughout history, we see hundreds of thousands of marriages that have worked (by our own personal standards of course), and marriages that haven't, (Henry VIII, am I right?).


But I've never been a cynic when it comes to Sandy and Andy. Yes, those are my parents' real names, and my mom always adds "Ain't that handy?!" Before I go on, I would like to add the disclaimer that this post is not intended to suck up to my parents. But hey, if that happens, it's an added bonus. I guess I'm writing this to alleviate my own skepticism. And to thank them for showing my siblings and niece and nephews what love is.


My parents have known each other since they were 10. First of all...that's a long time. That means they've known each other for over 60 years. Think about your longest friendship. Now imagine promising your entire life to that person. It's so daunting. And yet, somehow, they've done it. And they've done it well.




When my dad was in undergrad at Penn State he worked hard during the week so he could spend time with my mom on the weekends. When he was getting his DVM, they were married at living in Ithaca and he would have a full day of classes and studying, and always set a time limit for when he would be finished for the night. And then they would spend time together. Time Management=Love.


Not only are they husband and wife, but they are also business partners. My dad got his license to practice veterinary medicine, and in 1973 they found a farm in south central PA, and set up shop. My mom has been his office manager ever since. Answering phones, building relationships with clients, organizing client cards and files...literally anything you can imagine. My mom has the true heart of a servant, and the patience of a saint=Love.


My dad has worked so hard to provide for all of us. As a farmer, businessman and father, his first priority has always been family. I remember when I was little, he would be called out late at night to go on farm calls. I sometimes would see his tail lights going out the lane from the window in my room. My mom, sisters, and now my brother in law and niece and nephews, and myself, never wanted for anything. I feel so blessed, even in my moments of bratty, selfish behavior. The hard work and dedication of my amazing father=Love


It's not a secret that I love food. I get that love from my family 100%. Growing up, one of my favorite smells was my mom's kitchen-molasses crinkles, pumpkin pie, tuna noodle casserole...my Aunt Honey's ham loaf. Hundreds of other recipes that she has passed along to my sisters. Meals were, and still are, a central part of our family. Just the other night my sister asked why stranger's baked goods didn't taste as good as the ones from our family. I replied "Because they aren't made with love." And as cheesy as it sounds, I really believe it. My mom loves to be in the kitchen, and she adds a special element to cooking, and I really think that ingredient is Love.




One thing I've noticed about Sandy and Andy is their consistent willingness to help out others. They have always donate to causes they believe in, have helped local families in need, and for heaven's sake, they adopted me, and before that they were foster parents for many years. For as long as I can remember, our home was always a warm and cozy place for our family and friends. My mom would always remind me that selflessness is a way to show love because Jesus first loved us. Charity/Hospitality= Love.


I think that as my parents enter their 50th year or marriage, I will be more intentional in how I view love and marriage. Less cynicism, and more optimism. The hope that I will be able to show love the way my parents have shown it throughout the course of their relationship.


So, here's to you J. Andrew and Sandy Lee: Thank you for loving each other and us so well. I love you guys and wish you more decades of happiness.

Here We Are. Again.

The last 48 hours have been insane. I thought all day about emotional labor, and how people expect it; how it's hard and awful, and how I tend to give it freely. Because of those thoughts, it seems counterintuitive to write this post, but, clearly, it's necessary. Racism is heavy you guys. I don't talk about it to be divisive. I don't talk about it to be lauded as an expert. I don't talk about it to hear myself talk. I talk about it because if I don't, I become emotionally and physically ill. So here we are. Again.

Dear White Friends: You might read my posts, and assume that you know my tone, intention, or my heart. But you don't, and you won't until you ask me. And when/if you decide to ask me, come to me privately. Not because I have something to hide, but because that shows me you are ready to close your mouth and open your ears to hear my experiences and my stories. If your attitude is to come to me prepared to argue, that shows me that you aren't truly ready to listen. And I want you to know that that's okay. There's a learning curve. I've been on that journey my whole life. I'm still breaking down stereotypes and internalized assumptions I have about people of color or other marginalized groups. It's not easy. You will be uncomfortable. But at some point, this pathway is going to catch up to you, and someone who is less forgiving than me is going to confront you. And it's not going to be pretty. (See my last point below.)

Emotional labor is real. It's hard, and it's intense, and honestly, POC have been doing so much Work for people who have the internet at their fingertips. If you have a broad question, Google it. There are hundreds of articles on racial reconciliation. Those are good places to start. Those folks are worth your time, but also worth your money. We talk about the socio-economic divide between caucasians and POC. When I say "support a business that's owned by a person of color!" that isn't furthering the divide...it is literally a small way to close the economic gap that is so present in our communities. To suggest that it's divisive is ignorant at best. If you're worried about furthering the divide, do your part to close it, and support businesses owned by POC. It's pretty simple.

Really think about what you want to say or ask before you say or ask it. I know that's rich coming from me, possibly the most impulsive person you know...but it's so worth it. A good way to check this is to say: would I say this to or ask this of my black coworker/friend/cashier at the supermarket? If the answer is "no, I wouldn't," Google it. There's an answer out there on the internet, I promise.

Prepare to get educated. If you do say or ask something on a post from a POC, just know that we have an army of friends who will educate you. It's not going to be pretty. They'll probably be petty, and frustrated...and that's because this is the emotional labor that we do all. the. time. And for that same reason: Prepare to not have your questions answered right away.

If you've found any of this helpful, let me know. If you want to discuss any of this further, buy me coffee, or have me over for food, and we will chat. Most importantly, prepare to get uncomfortable, because that's where the real work starts.

A Return to The Page

A year has gone by since my last blog post. It wasn't the nicest thing I had ever written, but it was my Truth at the time and I needed to say it. I don't regret it, and it's linked right there if you want to read it. This is not an apology for that piece. this is simply...an explanation of a transition. 

A lot has happened in the last year. Because of my family, my therapist, and my dozens of friends, I have managed to almost completely heal from a heartbreaking end of a relationship, which is HUGE, and not something to discuss here. (Most of you have heard it all already...that I am actually apologizing for. So boring.) 

But also in the last year, I've started writing my book, I've managed job woes and real-life adult responsibilities, I've tackled some tough medical challenges, I've done a few shows, and as we are currently in a touchy political climate, I have found my voice and haven't shut up. (Definitely not sorry about that. #BlackLivesMatter) 

Friends have come, and some friends I considered to be my closest are no longer in my circle. I feel like our generation gets shoved out to a stormy sea in a flat bottomed boat with a bucket, a rain jacket and the wish of "good luck, and Godspeed!" and that's about it. We navigate life and relationships with very basic tools, the tides ebb and flow, and somehow, we manage to stay afloat. 

I turned 29. I am far less panicky about 30 than I was when I was turning 28. I've considered lying about my age, but it catches up to you pretty quickly. I've avoided the existential crisis of "What have/haven't I accomplished that I said I wanted to do before I was 30?" Because times, and the culture, have changed. We (millennials) aren't getting married younger, we are waiting to have kids, or we've decided to skip that altogether. We want cats, dogs, careers, adventures...all things we could have while in a committed marriage relationship, but we've seen so many fail that we just give up. or decide to Try Less Hard. But that's a different topic too. 

In January I went to New York to visit the Atlantic Acting School. Atlantic was founded by David Mamet and William H. Macy. As I walked through Chelsea, the cold air hitting my face, I felt nervous, but there was a familiar feeling in the air-anticipation of investing my time into my craft. Even just for a night. I walked into the building, got a security clearance and shared the elevator with a young actor who was headed up to Atlantic for a first read through. He asked if I was involved in the project, and I said no, that I was just visiting. He told me he loved Atlantic and hoped I would consider applying. The open house was amazing...we had an info session with the executive director who was also one of the founding members. We had an improv workshop which was far less scary than I had expected, and then we had an on-camera audition workshop. I wasn't that great, but that solidified my belief that I need on-camera training ASAP. As I talked to the admissions director while simultaneously shoving expensive New York cheese into my mouth, I realized how much that room felt like Home. Creativity, talent, promise, experience...pictures on the walls of TONS of actors we know and love that studied there. I talked to one of the girls on my way out, and told her I was torn. Do I uproot my comfortable life and my big girl job that provides me with health insurance that I need to survive and move to the city to follow my dream? She looked at me and said, "It sounds like you already know what you want to do." She smiled, said goodbye, and disappeared into the night. I cried as I passed the Chelsea Market, imagining coffee breaks with my new Atlantic family. Picturing our pre-showcase ritual knowing that agents would be in the audience to watch our hard work; thinking about our final project of forming a theatre company...exactly how Atlantic Acting School was born. "Yes. This is what I want. This is My Thing. This is My Dream."

It's been 8 months since that trip. and I haven't started the application. Fear is holding me back and I've acknowledged it. I'll do something about it...each time I think of that night my heart aches for that familiarity again. 

But this isn't about that either! (But it kind of is because look at how much I loved it!) 

This is about transitions. And being ok with sitting in them. Look around at where you are. If you're having a Good Life right now or an Ok Life, or a Sad Life, acknowledge it. Allow yourself to be vulnerable in that spot. it's hard....it's so so so difficult, and sometimes it hurts. And that's ok too! As cliche as this sounds, growth and progress and transitions happen in the Dark Times.

How do you get through the Dark Times?

1. Develop a plan. Have friends that you trust keep you accountable. Strength in numbers!

2. Have a healthy outlet for releasing the tension. I had my first massage this summer and I went directly to therapy afterwards. The release of physical tension allowed my brain to be clearer and helped me to be more vulnerable that day to my therapist. 

3. Cut out the negative. Surround yourself with likeminded people that you trust. 

4. Intentionally make time for things that make you happy. Go out on a Friday. Stay in on Saturday. Brunch on Sunday. Doing chores, visiting friends, cooking. Whatever your "thing" is, schedule a time for you to do it. Your brain knows that you enjoy those things and it releases endorphins and those cheer you up. (I learned that from Legally Blonde. Thanks, Elle Woods/Reese Witherspoon)

5. Love yourself for exactly who you are. Tell yourself your Truths in the mirror. You are strong. You are beautiful/handsome. You are unique. Write them down. Repeat. 

Some of these might be helpful. Some of them might not be helpful. These are very simply based on my experience the last year of my life. I want to share them with you, in hopes that I can get back to being authentic through my writing. 

It's been a long year, y'all, but I have a lot of faith. There's a lot of work to be done, that I'll write about later, but I know we're gonna be alright. After all, we have each other. 

Shine Bright. 

-s.