When You're Done Waiting...Keep Waiting.

Tonight has been weird/good/hard/redeeming. My whole family was together for my sister's birthday celebration, and that was crazy and loud and fun as usual. And the kids are spending the night too! But as the evening wound down, I felt myself slipping into this familiar pool of self-pity and wallowing. I'm currently in a long-distance relationship with a great guy I met over the summer. We've been together for almost 7 months, and It has been a whirlwind. We're two hours apart, but we've been fortunate enough to spend a lot of time together. (This weekend, for example). We're polar opposites: I bring him out of his shell (at least I like to think so), and he's literally the glue that holds me together on the nights that I want to give up. We once described our relationship to someone as a roller coaster. She replied, "well, roller coasters, are fun, so..." To which he and I both responded, practically in unison, "I hate roller coasters." And honestly, I've hated so many aspects of this relationship. But after tonight, I've come to embrace the unpredictability even more. 

So, here I am, 10pm, and I'm sinking. Feeling sorry for myself, I went on a twitter rampage (which I hated myself for), and even took to Facebook to express my feelings. All the while, I was talking to my boyfriend who was trying to work ahead on some articles he's writing. I was telling him how I was feeling, and asking him how his work was going, and I was feeling so-so. He tells me he's been working for 3 hours straight, is almost finished, and is exhausted. He then disappears offline...which isn't all that rare. I figured he was getting a snack or watching basketball. So now that I'm not talking to him, I'm feeling even worse. I was just waiting. I was waiting for him to come back to say goodnight. I was waiting for him to text me to say he was waiting in the car and we were going to Sheetz for donuts; I was waiting for a Divine sign that I should just stay in this house for the rest of the week and be 15 minutes from the guy that I'm crazy about. After that thought, I was done waiting. I didn't need a sign from God, I didn't need anything but to sign out of social media, and sleep. But I didn't. I didn't give up...(well, I did sign out of twitter. It was getting cray)...I kept waiting. My sister came into my room and was chowing down on dessert, and I shot him a text message asking him what his morning plans were. Immediately I got a response: come outside. 

YOU GUYS. I couldn't believe it. I have never bolted from a room so fast in my life. I don't even know how I managed to grab my jacket without plowing over my sister (who was whisper-yelling "where are you going??"). I put on my boots, fumbled with the lock, and opened the front door. I stepped onto the porch and he hands me a plastic bag "Chocolate." I started to laugh, because at this point, what are you gonna do? He smiled and said, "And flowers." and then handed me a bunch of mini yellow carnations from behind his back. "I can't...I just can't..." was all I could manage before I started to cry. I hugged him, cried and just kept repeating "I'm so done. I can't do this anymore." And various versions of "You're the best." I finally let go, and we talked for awhile, and he reassured me that everything would be okay. It was one of those unreal times that you can't believe is actually happening.

It was one of those moments that just solidified everything...from an earthly perspective it confirmed that not only am I extremely blessed to be with this man, but he's also someone who is willing to put his own needs (read: sleep) after others' (read: my mental instability). *(In the interest of full disclosure, on the way to my house after the store, he got called in for a gig [singing], so he would have had to leave his house anyway. But you get my point.)* From a God-to-me perspective, it was another lesson on patience. (See also: the last 7 months of my life), and a lesson that He doesn't give up on us, even if we try to give up relying on Him. 

Friends, I'm not going to sit here and tell you that waiting is a perfect position to be in. Sometimes, it really really sucks. And when you reach that low point of waiting, what else is there to do? Sometimes, you just have to keep waiting. The result might be perfect, or it might not work in your favor; remember, things are going to happen however God has laid them out to happen. Sometimes that means more waiting... and sometimes that means a 10:38 PM rendezvous on your front porch. But whatever you do, don't give up. 

Shine Bright 

-s.  

(So pretty! And I regretted brushing my teeth right after dinner...no candy until the morning!)