XStream Talking Points/Blog Post: Lies I Believed In High School

We're doing a dating series in XStream right now. And for those of you who have been keeping up with my life, you probably know that this is a strange topic for me right now. (For those of you who don't know, I'll be happy to talk about it privately over coffee, or via carrier pigeon.) This is the last week of our series, and we are splitting the guys and girls up for the Group Talk. The girls are going to be talking about body image/identifying our worth in Christ/confidence etc...and the boys will be talking about the lies of pornography. It's going to be a heavy night, but I'm praying it will be worth it. (I know it will be!)

I'm sharing tonight on the lie that I still have a tendency to give into: the lie that I'm "too much" or "too intimidating" or "too loud." When I was in middle school, I was the girl screaming at the lunch table over nothing. I talked loudly because I liked the attention. But sometimes it felt like I was losing the attention I desired because I was loud. My mom always told tells me that my voice carries. I'm just a loud talker. And it wasn't until I was in college that I realized that being a loud talker/being a great projector, isn't going to make or break my life. In fact, projecting well, as an actress, is actually one of the best things for your career.

In high school, I was always told, "be mysterious. Boys like girls with a little mystery." Even now as a 26 year old, I'm furrowing my brow at that. What the heck does that mean? I guess now it means "Don't lay out all of your personal baggage on the first date." But what does it mean to a 15 year old? To me, it translates to "Don't be too loud. Don't burp like one of the guys. Don't talk loudly about sports if you don't really know what you're saying." (Side note: last week at XStream, Juliandra and I asked the girls to write down what they thought they could do to become more "datable." 98% of them said "learn more about sports.")
 Anyway, I don't in anyway intend to downplay this bit of advice from my mother, but I wish I had known to ask for clarification. I would try to "be mysterious" around the boys I had crushes on...talking quieter, not really answering their questions, etc..., but that's not who I am. I'm outgoing, and vibrant, and when I think "mystery," when it comes to a character trait, I picture some girl hiding behind a thick Mark Twain (J.K. Rowling? Who is popular these days...?) novel, and wearing long skirts, and avoiding eye contact with all humans. And that's not a bad thing if that is your true personality! But I think for a long time, I tried to be something I wasn't when it came to having "mystery." I'm not the type of girl who has the time to have people hem and haw over what I like, or what I might be interested in doing on a Friday night. If you want to hang, if you want to get to know me, let's communicate about that. I will say, "Hey, my name is Star and I'm un-apologetically outgoing and I will tell you everything you need to know about being my casual acquaintance, or friend." I understand and respect that not everyone is wired like that (97% of my friends are introverts), BUT, I am truly of the belief that if you aren't being true to your personality, you are not living up to the person God created you to be. So if "being mysterious" is something you're good at, rock it! If being outgoing is something you're good at, rock it!

Either way: 

Never let anyone tell you you're too "this" or too "that" 

as if it makes or breaks your entire life. 

It doesn't define you now, or ever.

The lie that we are too much comes from a place of insecurity. But it doesn't need to be a hindrance when we realize that we are made in the Image of God and and grasp onto the idea that our identity is found in Christ only. No exceptions. 

You might ask what this means or what this looks like and, honestly, I don't know if I have an answer other than this that fits every single person: "Women must think rightly about being representatives of God made in His image, and fulfilling his purposes" (Matt Chandler, Beautiful Design). Each one of us is made with a purpose that is more than being the prettiest girl in the room, or the most talented, or the most mysterious, or outgoing. What matters is that we are here to do God's work...to live the life he has set before us. Younger girls might not realize it now, but each one of us is called to a higher purpose..whether that's going into ministry, being an actress, or being a professional athlete- God will use us to His glory.

Who you were created to be is already accepted by God. Don't worry about being accepted by others. Who you are in Christ is "enough." You are never too over-exuberant, or too mysterious.  

You are enough. Don't let anyone try to convince you that you need to change that.

Desiring "More"

Hello. This is a request. A time for reflection, a self-call-to-arms and a time that I'm calling out YOU.  Yes, you, my beautiful friend. This is about desire. But not the type that you think... it's something more deeply ingrained in our hearts. 
 
The last few months of my life have easily been the hardest I have ever faced (and weathered!) Lando moved, and suddenly I found myself engaged but totally "single." There have been more life trails than I care to share about, and through all of this I've been left with a need for "more." I put "more" in quotes because some days I know what that looks like and then my plans change, and other days I don't know what it is at all. I'm scattered and unfocused and want to get my life/life goals on track but have no hard examples of what that looks like. Sure it's easy to sit in my therapists office saying "I need an accountability partner,"  when I really wanted to say scream "I need someone to SHOW me how to do this!"

Then a few days ago, I remembered about The Desire Map. I'm not sure how to describe it, so I'll take an excerpt from the site:

"You want it and you want it bad. Aspiring. Hoping. Plotting. Recurring. Reaching. Bubbling beneath your surface. You crave it — and it craves you. 

So you make a plan to get it. A to-do list. The bucket list. Quarterly objectives. Strategy. Accountability. The goal. Except . . .

You’re not chasing the goal itself, you’re actually chasing a feeling.
We have the procedures of achievement upside down. We go after the stuff we want to have, get, accomplish, and experience outside of ourselves. And we hope, yearn, pray that we’ll be fulfilled when we get there. It’s backwards. It’s outside in. And it’s running us in circles.

What if, first, we got clear on how we actually wanted to feel in our life, and then we laid out our intentions? What if your most desired feelings consciously informed how you plan your day, your year, your career, your holidays — your life?

You know what will happen with that kind of inner clarity and outer action? You’ll feel the way you want to feel more often than not. Decisions will be easier to make: You’ll know what to say no, thank you to and what to say hell yes! to. I bet you’ll complain less. You’ll be more optimistic, more open-hearted. It will be easier for you to return to your center in the midst of a challenge — I promise.

You will do much less proving, and way more living.

And you will have more to give to the world.

For starters."

 The author is Danielle LaPorte, and from what I've gathered, she holds nothing back, and isn't afraid to be blunt. (I guess those are kind of the same thing?)  All across social media, she delivers daily #TruthBombs including this gem: "Turn you longing into a calling." And about a million more that I can't choose from/directly share.

I digress...I'm hoping to start going through the book, "The Desire Map." There's an app that Danielle LaPorte has released called Conversation Starters, and it's for a group to be able to go through the book with a good basis of structure. I love the idea of small groups, but for whatever reason, I can't seem to get stuck to one. I don't know if I'm lazy, scared of vulnerability, or find ways to convince myself that I have very little in common with the other members. (I think with the two small groups I've been a part of recently, all three of those are true, ESPECIALLY the last one.)

 I love the idea of going through "The Desire Map" with women who are close to my age/life situation and are willing to be vulnerable and honest. I think many times, as Christian women specifically, we are too scared to let our souls show. Among my 20-something friends, I am seeing more heartfelt yearnings...the yearn to travel; love bigger than ever; be more compassionate; learn more about ourselves and how God created us to help others. "The Desire Map" shows us just how to do all of those things, and stay focused and sane throughout the journey.

So, who wants in?

The website suggests book clubs as a way to get started. Using the Conversation Starters app, the workbook, Danielle's free audio files and/or just the book.  Meetings at a home, via Google Hangout (Or Skype, whatever), Barnes & Noble, anywhere! The book is $22.00, the workbook comes in packs of

3 @ $30.00 (or $12.00/book), and the journal is $12.50. I'm not sure about group discounts, but I'm hoping to get more information about that!

I feel pretty strongly that "The Desire Map" is what will help us all get what we want. 

Oh, and, if you're into Celebrity Testimonials, Shailene Woodley says: "She reps the sisterhood thing and women’s empowerment… The Desire Map [is] basically charting the things that you want in life, and not just sitting back and saying, “I’m going to manifest this…here’s how,” but actively doing something to manifest your dream."  So yeah. there's that.

Ps: Remember Lauren Dubinsky? Founder of The Good Women Project? Yeah, she's how I first found out about "The Desire Map." So really, that recommendation is worth the perusal.

Join me?

(From daniellelaporte.com)

Diversity in the Theatre: I won't stop speaking up.

Lately, I've been feeling like a broken record. I can count on two hands the number of times I've recently said "white people show" or "shows where the director feels the family unit MUST be white." I understand that by living in Central Pennsylvania, I've kind of limited my options, but I'm dealing with that personally after a swift kick in the pants by someone I respect. (Side note: I'm planning on moving!!!!! More on that in another post eventually!)  
If you know me, you know that the subject of race isn't something I talk about it. I grew up in a white family. I never really thought that I was "less than" or had to work extra hard because I was black.Of course some people think I should take my skin color and let it define me in all aspects of my life. But I'm not going to do that. I don't find my identity in my skin color, I find it in who I am in Christ. But that's also a different blog post for a different time. 

I was recently asked to audition for a role of a middle aged, southern, black man. I didn't want to do it. I felt guilted into auditioning, because, I guess, I was the only black actor around here that people could think of. Which would be cool if the show had been "Race" by David Mamet, and the role was Susan a 20something (maybe early 30s...) black lawyer. But it wasn't. And I didn't audition. I included this in my email to the director, and I meant every word of it two weeks ago, and I still mean them today:  

I think that finding a play with one African American character was very bold, and a very cool decision on your part. On the flip side, as an African American actress who is involved in a community theatre that only seems to pick shows where WHITE families are the main characters, unfortunately, I don't have a prayer of being cast. And then having the option to audition for a show just because I'm black, is cool, I guess, but "being black" isn't really my schtick. I'm a talented actress, and I can do so much more than just look a certain way. And my prayer for the future of theatre is that my son or daughter will not be called upon for a role just because of their skin color. Theatre is moving in such a good direction, when it comes to diverse casting, but I think we who are involved at the community level need to be more conscious of picking shows that can be filled with people of all races and backgrounds, not just a show with a "token black." The world itself is changing...I'm in a serious relationship with a white guy, I have some biracial friends, and some Indian friends and some Filipino friends. We are hard-pressed, especially in the State College community, to find someone who is 100% anything. Diverse backgrounds are becoming the norm in the world, and I believe that theatre should be a direct reflection of life and the world around us. Otherwise, unless we're doing a historic Wilson, or GB Shaw, or Isben, it becomes inauthentic, and more difficult to relate to. Thankfully, a lot of contemporary playwrights are moving in that direction. And they're doing that by writing plays that don't have specific character breakdowns. Which is awesome, because it gives actors of color more of a chance of being involved! 

I'd like to point out that I'm not the only one thinking, talking, and writing about diversity in the theatre. I recently read a great article about the role of theatre critics where diversity is concerned. The Article Overview reads:

Some critics don’t concern themselves with diversity or context, sticking to the subject before them. This is its own form of injustice as well as an abandonment of the critic’s role; to see exclusionary practices and not comment on them is to perpetuate them, but also, to pretend a show exists in a cultural vacuum does a disservice to the role of art. 

I love this. The article goes on to say that the lack of diversity isn't just cultural/background. The theatre is also severely lacking women playwrights, producers, directors, etc...:

Just 17 percent of plays produced in this country are written by women. Since 2000, the annual list of the top 10 most-produced plays averages three female playwrights. (An interesting side note: there’s far more ethnic diversity among these women than there is among their male counterparts, which is great, but leads me to wonder whether this is because such playwrights enable artistic directors to check off more than one “diversity” box.)  

I literally couldn't have written a better side note if I tried. Do we as theatre practitioners purposely stack our decks so we can appear diverse? This honestly hasn't been my experience, but I pray to God it never happens.

There are a few sides to the diversity situation: people who think producers should strive to include all types of people in every show of the season; people who think that the only type of "diversity" we should have is a
"Random Black Girl" in the ensemble of every musical (these people are usually the more old fashioned types of directors); and then there are people who don't think about this at all, which isn't necessarily a problem, but it's not a solution either. 

I'm no expert, but I think the biggest thing we at the local level are missing is a simple dialogue on this issue. I can sit here all day and link you to bigger theatre communities who have devoted entire studies to managing and valuing diversity... but I think I'd prefer to ask the questions myself: 

1. Why couldn't we produce "Race" by David Mamet for a season? Or any other shows like that? (Memphis!! Sister Act!! The Color Purple!!)
2. Why aren't we able to draw a larger diverse crowd to our shows?
3. What if we took the notion of "black people wouldn't have been anything other than maids in the 1930s" and threw it out, and cast a black woman as Reno Sweeney, or any type of lead? 
4. Who says every family unit all has to look the same? I mean, have you seen my parents and siblings??
5. What if we just sat down, and talked it all out? 

I feel like I took the long way to a simple point, but I think the only way to get there is to talk about the hard, and potentially uncomfortable things. Sure, I may talk about it a lot, but that's because it's important to me. As a woman, as an actress of color, and as a human being. 

I truly believe that art is a direct reflection of life, and I think most of my theatre and artist friends would agree. And if we're being truthful, life isn't seeing all white-bread families everywhere anymore. (Biracial, adoptive, and blended families, for example.) So why should our theatres show that? It's a direct misrepresentation of the world around us, and it's not 100% relatable to today's audiences. So even though I'm one person, I believe that I have the power to at least ignite the conversation. Join me, and together, we could change the world. 

******************

More Links: 

Diveristy in American Theater: From Catchphrase to Meaningful Change

Diversity in American Theater: The Mythology of Color Blind/Conscience Casting
On Valuing Diversity, Managing Diversity, and the Difference
"Random Black Girl" Composers: Kooman and Dimond

We are all human disasters.

I dislike the idea that the man is ALWAYS expected to be the spiritual leader in a relationship.

In my experience, and after prayer and discussion with my wise mother, this expectation has not been the case.
Sometimes, I think God calls women to be in that spiritual leader position for whatever reason...a reason beyond my human understanding. I think we too easily cover up non-issues that might happen in relationships with scripture. But should I seriously not date a guy because he's not my spiritual leader, even though I feel that God has called me to be the leader? Am I a bad Christian for dating someone who is less "christian" than me? Or can I use my relationship with God to be a good influence on the guy?  Are we not called to "go into all the world and preach the gospel?" (Did I just cover up a relationship using scripture? youbetcha.) What if you're the only "Jesus" that guy encounters that day? Obviously, that doesn't mean you HAVE to date him if you're not into him, but be mindful of your words and actions. Which everyone should do regardless of the situation.

I'm not saying girls should compromise their beliefs and date someone who is so far beyond what they know is good for them. And if being a strong spiritual leader is on a girl's personal "list of things my Guy must have," then go for it!! If you know that's what you NEED in order to thrive in a relationship, that's awesome! But not everyone is wired that way. And that's ok.

But I think we, as Christian women, do ourselves a disservice by expecting each other to only date a guy who fits into this "perfect" mold of "Perfect Christian Boyfriend."
Because let's remember that not everyone is perfect. Even the most Christian guys, the ones on praise teams, raising his hands in worship, and wearing TOMS, are flawed.

Newsflash: WE ARE ALL FLAWED. We're humans! 

Sometimes growth, be it spiritual, personal, or relational, has to happen. Sometimes it might be the woman who is propelling the growth. And I really don't see anything wrong with that.

I do find something wrong with adult Christian women (myself included sometimes!) putting Christian guys on some unattainable pedestal: "I could never date him. He's so much more into Jesus than I am. He's like...a SuperChristian."  "He's so outta my league! He's on the worship team!! He like...prays in front of the whole church!! He would never go for a girl like me." "I have to like...pray a bajillion times this week just to see the level he's on." Ladies, again, he's not perfect. No one is perfect. We are all human disasters who need God's grace multiple times a day. 

We are essentially idolizing these young men, and making them to be...demi-gods. And that goes against Commandment number 1: No false gods. Idolatry happens subtly, and it happens anytime we lift someone to the place where Jesus should be. That includes, but is not limited to, the hot hipster guitar player you were eyeing at Saturday night service.

It's also important to keep in mind that everyone's relationship experience will be different. There will always be something happening that you don't see on the surface. And it won't ever be perfect. 

Is this in direct defiance to some of the deepest held beliefs Christian women have? Yup. And do I have this all figured out? Absolutely not. I only have my experience.

I'm impulsive, I'm imperfect...I'm human, just like everyone else. That is why I'm so thankful for the Grace of God. I screw up on the daily, and still God's arms are open for me...for all of us...even the guys who aren't the typical spiritual leaders of a relationship.

If you agree, disagree, think I'm brilliant and/or crazy, please let me know in the comments section. I think this is an important topic that needs to be discussed.