Welcome Back! [Welcome to My Life in Lancaster!]

Welcome back everyone! I've reinstated my blog now that I have found a full time job. Today I'm writing about transitions, and My Life in Lancaster. (That sounds like a great book title...) This one is a little long, but I have months of life to catch you up on, with a good resolution at the end. Join me, and stick with me during this new chapter! Love you all!

-S.

Transitions are hard.

Whether you’re starting the next level of your schooling, a new career, or a new chapter of your life, it’s hard to deny--change is tough.

I have always had an immense amount of pride in my ability to handle change. My top StrengthsFinder is Adaptability...I go with the flow, and whisper that first part of the Serenity Prayer. You know, “God grant  me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…” If I were brave enough, I’d tattoo it on the back of my hand as a constant reminder.

But recently I’ve come to realize that “change” and “a time of transition” aren’t always the same thing. We often use them interchangeably, and this of course varies for everyone…my definition of “change” is something that happens unexpectedly and throws off my routine or balance. And my definition of “a time of transition” is something that has been anticipated.

This new chapter that I’ve started is undeniably a life change, but it’s more of a transition. I have been anticipating moving to Lancaster for 5 years. It was the summer of 2010 when I made my first long-term visit. I stayed for a week with Liesl and we had our inaugural year of kids theatre camp. I met so many people who have influenced the woman I am now and I will never forget that. Each year since then, I’ve made the trek back and forth for various reasons, and about 6 months before I got engaged I knew that I had to spend my engagement in the city of Lancaster.

That didn’t happen. Instead I had to deal with change. He moved, I stayed. I was plagued by crippling panic attacks for weeks after he left. I shoved the idea of moving to Lancaster out of my head and tried to tread water for as long as I could. 6 months later, our engagement ended, and a friend who knows absolutely everything about me looked at me and said, “you should move in with me. It could just be the change that you need.”

I said a bold "yes." Forgetting that my bank account had barely enough money for a shopping spree let alone rent and a security deposit.

In June, we found a place.

In August, I moved in.

And here we are, September 15, 2015. I've been here exactly one month, and I have not stopped to breathe. And I don't regret it at all! I'm doing audience services for PRiMA Theatre, which was the best leap of faith I could have taken. I've transitioned from working part time in a theatre (Shout out to my State Theatre family! I miss you guys!) to working full time in a boutique as a stylist (getting paid to suggest clothes to people? Absofreakinglutely up my alley.) And this time next week, I will have started training at my new full-time job at the American Music Theatre as a box office associate! A job in my field that I LOVE and that I'm darn good at too!

I have had one day "off" since August 15th, and honestly, as someone who has [regrettably] taken pride in being a bit of a slacker, I'm enjoying stretching myself thin. (Although I'm exhausted beyond words.)

But sometimes being busy is an excuse to not focus on the hard parts of transitioning.

In the last two months, I've had my heart broken, I've had to wrestle with issues of race in the outside world and where/if I fit into those hard conversations, I've been misjudged, argued with, and have argued with myself about my own intentions, convictions and integrity. All of these things are hard to deal with. And then add moving on top of them! I was a mess! I still am. And that's okay.

Admitting that you're a mess (yes, YOU), is the first step to recognizing where you are in life. My roommate has this little window decoration that says "Your beautifully messy complicated story matters. (tell it.)" and I'm pretty sure that's become our motto over the last few years. It's ok to feel lost. It's ok to not know what's coming up even if you have it seemingly altogether. Even though I might seem "set" career wise for now, I'm anticipating more changes and transitions coming up. Because that's the way life works. 

You can't avoid change, you can only react to it the healthiest way you can. Maybe for you that means having someone "on call" who you can vent to--a friend, mentor, or therapist. Maybe that means a visit home to see your mom and have her make you a good home-cooked meal. Maybe that means going on a dating hiatus and figuring out yourself. Maybe (UGH) it means deactivating Facebook and digging into the Bible or a good book study. Maybe it means getting a dog or a cat!

Figuring out what you need to do to keep yourself intact is the only way to survive transitions. Everyone copes differently, but I'm confident that you cannot and should not do it alone. I have my Council of women who I can go to whenever life gets scary. And as weird as it might seem, I'm finally seeing that my mom is one of them. Your mom is less intimidating once you get into your 20s. Trust me.

Having people who know you and that you trust is essential, and super helpful. I'm thankful for all those people in my life; without them I would have drowned in an ocean of uncertainty. Everyone's story is different, and that's what keeps the world so beautiful. We connect over the mess, over someone saying "you too?? I thought it was just me!" Be vulnerable. Surround yourself with like-minded people. 

So, all that to say: change is hard. But it's inevitable. Deal with it the best way you know how.

If nothing else I've written sticks, remember this:

Your story, changes and transitions are important. They're messy, but that's ok. So are everyone else's. They matter, but more importantly, you matter.

Hold on, everyone. We are all in for one heck of a ride!

-S.

A Quick Update

Happy Monday, everyone! 

I'm wiped OUT from this weekend's XStream youth winter retreat. We had a great time at Pocono Plateau with two other local churches. The snow was gorgeous, the food was good, and a lot of great connections were made. Unfortunately around 5 AM Sunday, a nasty stomach bug befell one of the guy students. His fearless leader, who had been taking care of him, sent out a group text around 5 PM saying he had contracted it as well. Please say a prayer for David and Colin, and the rest of our team and students as a lot of us are sliding into midterms and can't really afford to get sick! 

While I'd love to take this time to talk about how amazing the weekend was, this post isn't about XStream. It is however, about my relationship with Lando.

In December, Lando and I decided that it was best that we postpone the wedding. I don't really remember a clear reason why, other than the obvious fact that something was "off." Several weeks and insane arguments later, I knew that something had to change. After seeking wise counsel, and a few awkward encounters, I decided it was time to end our relationship. It truly wasn't a mutual decision, even though we have both painted it that way out of respect for what happened. We have decided to focus on other separate life opportunities (note: There are several things I want to do that would have kept us apart for our first year of marriage, and no one wants to do that...), and focus on strengthening our relationships with God. We are trying this whole "let's be friends" thing, and we  most definitely appreciate the support from our family and friends. 

Yes, it's hard, and it sucks, and it has probably shocked the pants off of you, but honestly, God has already blessed this decision. He's gone before us and we have willingly followed his path. It doesn't completely make sense yet, but it will. 

We are both willing to talk about this, so please don't shy away because you're afraid of saying something "wrong." We are still Star and Lando, even though we aren't StarAndLando anymore. It'll be good. It's already good. We are resting in the truth that we have an entire lifetime ahead of us, even if it's not a lifetime we share as husband and wife. 

We love you all, and look forward to having you continue this journey with us in this new way. 

Peace and Blessings

-S. 

Year 25: What I've learned so far.

The first few days of being 25 were kind of eventful! I made a new friend in the coffee shop that I go to every morning before work. She complimented me on my scarf, and then I saw she had been reading a Bible, so I stopped her and we chatted, introduced ourselves, and discovered we live on the same street! Her name is Sarah and she's a church planter. Unfortunately, I've been swamped with "Spamalot" (more on that later), so we haven't been able to hang out. Hopefully soon; I'm really encouraged that God put us on each others' pathways!

Some of you may think "25 is just a number, you're not old yet, Star!" But I assure you, I feel old already. I was very sick for a week before my birthday, and by some miracle I was fully recovered for the day itself. I hadn't been eating because I was having extreme abdominal pain and back spasms. I slept for about three days straight. MedExpress was unhelpful, and my parents and sister even came up to be with me. I also had a really bad cold while all of this was happening. There were some dark moments during that week; but I'm so glad that even though my parents were able to come to my aid, Lando was also there by my side. I guess having a tv in the room where I was sleeping was good...he watched football all day and I was able to rest knowing he was there in case I needed something. But that was when I was still 24. 

Everyone asked how 25 felt, and i joked about when my first Quarter-Life Crisis would hit, but I had no idea the impending storm that was headed my way. 

I returned to "Spamalot" rehearsals as the trusty Assistant Stage Manager. I was bummed to not actually be in the show, so assuming a role on the production staff was hard. It's amazing how slowly rehearsals go when you're sitting at a table just following along in a script. It's weird, actually. I would compulsively check my phone only to see that ten minutes had gone by. 

The thing about this show is that the cast is amazingly talented. I had goosebumps just watching them rehearse. And now that we've opened the show, my goosebumps haven't subsided. But what happened during tech week solidified my calling and choice to be onstage. 

I missed our first tech rehearsal. It was homecoming weekend at Penn Sate and I worked from 10-6 on Saturday. Someone was able to cover for me in tech, and take notes, but once I received them, I freaked out. The next day, I called the stage manager and we talked for an hour about the notes and the backstage choreography. She was a whole state away for a wedding, and then I was late for rehearsal. Cue downward spiral. 

Long story short, there was a lot of crying. Also a panic attack. Those are scary, by the way. Especially when you're in front of people who are mostly strangers who don't know a thing about you other than the fact that you've been at rehearsals for this show. I left the building. I caused a halt in rehearsal. Finally, I calmed down long enough to breathe but I still couldn't stop crying. I was shaking and trying to fix everything all at once. (That's my tragic flaw: I'm a fixer.) Kat, the choreographer, who is also a mom, came backstage and talked me down. She reminded me that I just had to do one thing at a time. I apologized profusely to everyone, and ended the day mostly embarrassed. 

I made huge mistakes along the way. Don't get the wrong idea when you read this, but I generally don't make huge mistakes in the theatre. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but never in my entire performing arts career (since I was 4), have I ever caused a rehearsal to stop functioning. Not even when my best friend and I fought while she stage managed my senior show. We barely spoke during rehearsals, but we always plowed through. To not actually be in a show, and then hold up the actors is a big deal to me, and I've realized that it's because I'm an actor first, kind of a director second, and never, ever a crew member. I would have been mortified if I had been in their place and saw that the ASM was having a nervous breakdown. Like, "who is this chick, and why is she dying right now??" I purposely didn't make it a big deal that I had never been an ASM before until that day. It was apparent that I had no idea what was going on, so I just owned up to that fact. I'm not sure if that caused more sympathy for me, or more strange looks. Either way, it was the truth. And I told myself that I shouldn't be ashamed about it. But I quickly learned that I shouldn't expect to be perfect right out of the gate, and that it's ok to ask for help. Especially in the theatre. Especially when you want to make a career out of it. 

We opened last night, and I'm very happy to say that things went smoothly. There were a few moments where I was just praying that we would get some stuff in place on time. At one point I almost crossed myself (seriously, I do that in moments where I can't find the words to thank God out rightly), and I looked up and saw my crew guy Tony crossing himself abut the same situation. It's nice to have someone backstage who gets me when it comes to Jesus and matters of faith. Especially in theatre. Especially when you feel like you're drowning in the theatre.

The night before, Tony reminded me that God was in control and that was all I needed to hear. There was nothing I else I could do last night during the curtain speech except get on my knees on that dirty stage floor and pray the prayer I always say right before going on. (Or in this instance, cuing the curtain.) "It's out of my hands God. I hand the theatre, the audience and the actors over to you." And, as usual, He followed through. My few moments of panic were replaced with a calm of "do everything slowly." I'm not sure how I got through the show without physically hurting myself, but somehow, I escaped unscathed. (This is rare considering I've hurt myself on the props or set during every dress rehearsal we had for this show.) 

I also want to give a shout out to one of my best friends, Lauren, who is on crew for "Assassins" at Ephrata Performing Arts Center right now. She's also an actress doing crew for the first time, and we've been texting about our experiences. I'm glad for the opportunity to bond with her over this whole situation. Everyone go see "Assassins!" 

I know what you're all wondering: "So, Star, would you ever do it again?" 

Short answer: no. 

Long answer: I'm so grateful to Amber for having extreme and crazy faith in me that I could do this, and I'm so glad that Year 25 started so far out of my comfort zone that I couldn't even see it. But this is not what I'm called to do. There is a certain personality type that is perfect for the position of ASM, and I'm not that type. The biggest lesson I've learned through al of this is that everyone has their talents, and just because you're a "theatre person" doesn't mean you can assume that everything you do will be 100% right away when you're in that atmosphere.

I've never been the type of actress to snub crew people (most of my friends have a tech emphasis and an acting emphasis), but this experience has given me a new respect for the curtain pullers, and backstage staff. But I'm ready to change out of my all black clothes, and assume a more colorful role. It's been too long, and I have a feeling that after this, my life and positions in the theatre has no where to go but up! 

A Year of Living Dangerously (Different)

I'm turning 25 next week. 

I'm feeling a lot of mixed emotions about this, but more immediately, I need your help.

As Year Twenty-Five approaches, I've decided to do "A Year of Living Dangerously (Different)." Everyday from October 3, 2013 until October 3, 2014, I will try something new or different, and then write a short blog response about it. I'm not planning anything crazy like jumping out of an airplane, but I'd love to travel, try new food, and be kinder to strangers.

So, I'm looking for your suggestions. 365 things is a large list, and as much as I'd love to come up with all of them on my own...I can't. Comment here, on my Facebook, or my Twitter, or in person. If you think of anything, at any time, just shoot me a message!

Thanks!
Shine Bright!
-s.

(http://www.flickr.com/photos/lwr/3216879853/)